The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
haha i think we're both just down to be fuck buddies..but i do have a hickey and a bit of a big lip and fucking burns on my knees..note to self hooking up on a golf course is NOT that exciting
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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