gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
