I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
The struggles of a small town man whore
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
