My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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