Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
