Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
Randomize
