Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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