if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
