I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
