I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
