my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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