Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
