Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I want to fling myself into the sun
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
