when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Randomize