Don't make out with my wife yet
she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
