Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
well I can't set my house on fire every night
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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