We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
