I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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