Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
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