I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Randomize
