Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
