I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Randomize