How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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