I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I just wanna know if were done hooking up so I know of that condom he left in my top drawer is fair game
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
