This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
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