that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Four minutes until I can fart!
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
they just got in argument over who had more of your dick pics. quit sending shit to my sisters fucker
Randomize
