I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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