Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
