I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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