im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
