We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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