he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
