I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
