I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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