I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
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