i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Randomize
