After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
