On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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