dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
