I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
