dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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