Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
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