Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
