I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Randomize
