I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
