Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
