Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
