my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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