today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
