How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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