There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
