You smell like a Billy Joel song
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
