i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Randomize
