I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize