Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
