you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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