White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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