can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
