batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
