I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize
