Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
