Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
