We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize