His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
