...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Sext me about skeletons
Randomize
